(Mom, I hope you are not reading this.)

So you know how I always beg you to tell me your best-kept sex secrets? Well, that’s usually just for personal gain. This time, I want to quote you in my latest piece for SELF! The working title is “Real Women’s Best Sex Tips,” (or some such, because you know, we must distinguish yours from all of those alien sex tips we’re always running).

Anyhow, the key is… your oh-my-god-you-HAVE-to-try-this tip needs to be fresh, fun, somewhat original, not require superhuman strength and/or finances (I’m sure sex in the North Pole is consistently mind-blowing) and ideally, have an immediate payoff.

If you have the guts, comment below. If you’d prefer anonymity, feel free to email me at jenna@tzr.607.myftpupload.com. Either way, please include your age/city/state and let me know if you’re cool with using your REAL NAME or would prefer a pseudonym.

I really do love you.

What are you waiting for? Jeez. I said I loved you.