Not following me on Twitter yet? Here’s what you’re missing:

1.       Yesterday: no visible rogue eyebrow hairs. Today: weed-wacker required. How does that HAPPEN?


2.       Pausing the yoga DVD to nuke your coffee is better than not doing the damned DVD at all.


3.       The kids want to go to the pool. Sorry, gals. My contract clearly states: I will not shimmy my flabby white ass into a bikini in January.


4.       Twistory: pretending a past event just happened so you can tweet about it.


5.       Dh: “you’re running around your backhand.” Me: “what’s it like being perfect?” #whyhusbandsandwivescantplaysports


6.       Today’s disturbingly satisfying task: ruthlessly remove annoying facebook “friends.”


7.       “Mommy, you’re mean.” But If I wasn’t, you’d have nothing to loosely base your first novel on or talk about in therapy some day!


8.       I’ll drive 25 miles in the rain to buy my kids a $12 bowl of noodles because it comes with FREE ICE CREAM! #idiot


9.       Wearing new clothes is fun. Especially the gnawing, relentless “did I get all the tags off?” bit.


10.   Rejection only makes you work harder. Fuck you, rejection. I work plenty hard already.