Still not following me on Twitter? Here’s what you’re missing:


1.       You know your hygiene standards are slipping when your husband is all suspicious because you took a shower.


2.       Today I tested the limits of do-nothingness in the biggest possible way. Maybe they’ll name a black hole after me or something.


3.       Working in my kids’ classroom makes me realize that however much they are paying the teachers, it is NOT ENOUGH.


4.       Rethinking the whole “I want to die doing something I love.” Because today I hurt myself doing something I love and it totally sucked.


5.       An ex-boyfriend just invited me to “become a fan of Booty Sweat” on Facebook. Which tells you a LOT about my past relationships.


6.       Tip: When you see a one-star amazon review, check the reviewer’s profile. Most of the time you’ll find a miserable SOB who hates EVERYTHING.


7.       Just got an email that instead of ending with “sincerely” or “fondly” it ended with “be amazing.” I don’t think I can handle the pressure.


8.       I may never be the gal you turn to for the day’s inspirational quote, but which one of us do you want to go to happy hour with?


9.       6YO: “Mom! Why do you look so pretty?” I am so totally going to start wearing makeup.


10.   $100 says more US kids can ID Apolo Ohno than the president. On an unrelated note, I am putting a soul patch on all future book covers.