I had a friend in my 20s who had an odd—to me—death fetish. He planned vacations around well-known or interesting cemeteries he wanted to visit (while still alive) and had wallpapered a small bathroom with celebrity death certificates using DIY Mod Podge. The morbid toilet décor included photos of my death-obsessed friend lounging Burt Reynolds-style on top of famous gravesites. The space was equal parts quirky and creepy although I have to admit, there was no more fascinating place on earth to do your business.

Did you know that Tennessee Williams choked to death on a bottle cap?

Me neither!

In may-or-may-not-be-related news, I could wallpaper a ballroom with the emails, text messages and DMs I’ve received in the past two years calling me delusional, attacking me for comparing the segregation of society and the subsequent, relentless vax pass push to the Holocaust, and (in one memorable case) likening my distrust of historically corrupt companies and agencies to “tilting at windmills.”

Poetic, right?

I have willingly, publicly admitted to being a conspiracy theorist, a term that by literal definition means, “someone who suspects someone is doing something dirty and then makes choices for their life based on that suspicion.” And since Merriam-Webster recently updated their official description of ANTI-VAXXER to include not only persons who once dated Jim Carrey and categorically oppose vaccination but also the wacky liberty-lovers who object to sweeping, unconstitutional regulations mandating them, I’ll proudly wear the anti-vax badge, too.

But two years into this bullshit, I’m sort of ready for an apology.

Folks wagged their fingers at me for saying that the masks 99% of us were wearing didn’t do diddly, that the COVID hospital numbers were wildly inflated, and that the jab madness wouldn’t end with a (single) booster. I was shamed and called selfish for refusing a vaccine first because I could infect others and later (when it was confirmed the vaccines do not prevent transmission but only—maybe, at best—protect the jabbed) based on the argument that I would invariably wind up taking a precious hospital bed from a better, more deserving vaccinated person. I was reckless for criticizing vaccines for children, a recommendation that clearly was based on, well nothing… and I was going to deeply regret not injecting my own perfectly healthy, not-at-risk children with an experimental toxin, mark a certain self-righteous someone’s words. I was endangering my followers by sharing ivermectin success stories because the Nobel prize-winning medication did not have, and this is a quote, “rigorous long-term safety and efficacy studies in the context of COVID.” (Cue Reality Bites.) I was “getting my medical information from TikTok and Joe Rogan,” spreading “deadly disinformation,” and “following fringe science” by posting, for example, the most published cardiologist in the country testifying before the senate on the suppression of early treatment and the alarming, unprecedented, exponential spike in vaccine adverse reactions reflected in VAERS. Speaking of which, I was a witless nincompoop for quoting the platform’s numbers, because you couldn’t trust those self-reported statistics, despite the fact that VAERS was created jointly by the CDC and the FDA for this express purpose, it’s the same and only system we’ve used to look for dangerous patterns for decades, and falsifying a report there is a federal crime punishable by imprisonment.

In the past few weeks alone, I’ve been proven right on just about every point. CNN openly allowed their medical spokesperson to declare that “cloths masks are not appropriate for this pandemic,” calling them “little more than facial decorations.” The latter statement applies “specifically in light of omicron,” that wily variant that clearly must be the most clever of them all, having figured out how to penetrate a fabric hole several hundred times larger than itself.

Then, Fauci admitted in an MSNBC interview that the PCR tests we’ve been using to establish case and death counts can’t distinguish a live virus from a dead one, which logically suggests if not definitively proves that those case and death counts are unreliable at best—a truth PCR test inventor Kary Mullis (who “died suddenly” in 2019, before sudden death was even trending) had been saying all along of his own invention, and one I was openly scorned for pointing out.

To my unbridled joy and relief, Yale epidemiologist and professor Dr. Harvey Risch announced that “there is no indication that vaccines are needed or beneficial for children, and there is no rational reason for putting children at increased risk for adverse vaccine outcomes compared to the risk of getting COVID which is almost always a minor cold-like illness that resolves in 2 or 3 days.” The previously damnable part he dared to say out loud: Increased risk for adverse vaccine outcomes. Because there are outcomes of the vaccine, you see, that are adverse. Literal millions of them. And we’re allowed to say it out loud now!

Fine, Jenna, but what about the 100,000 kids Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor claimed this week are suffering in hospitals, “many on ventilators”? Oh, yeah, she got that wrong, but only by about 96,500 kids. The actual figure was fewer than 3,500. Addressing the topic, Fauci confessed, “if you look at the children who are hospitalized, many of them are hospitalized with COVID as opposed to because of COVID . What we mean by that is if a child goes in the hospital, they automatically get tested for COVID and they get counted as a COVID hospitalized individual when in fact they may go in with a broken leg or appendicitis or something like that. So it’s overcounting the number of children who are hospitalized—quote—with COVID as opposed to because of COVID .”

Six months ago, Fauci would have been kicked off Twitter for such a suggestion.

Next, in a move more shocking than Ralphie’s parents ponying up for an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time, The actual New York Times reported that scientists were warning that third and fourth jabs could trigger immune system fatigue and compromise the body’s ability to fight the coronavirus. In other words, the booster plan was likely to backfire, just as conspiracy theorist doctors Ryan Cole, Peter McCullough, and Robert Malone have been saying all along, citing earlier failed vaccine trials that resulted in worsening of viral disease and death following inoculation. (In case you missed it, CDC director Dr. Rochelle Walensky even acknowledged this possibility, stating “Reports from our international colleagues, including Israel, suggest increased risk of severe disease amongst those vaccinated early.”)

Finally, in another shocking display of honesty, this week dodgy Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla casually admitted—as if this was part of the original jab campaign—that “two doses of the vaccine offer limited protection, if any. Three doses with a booster offer reasonable protection against hospitalization and death, and less protection against infection,” before launching into a description of the company’s NEW-AND-IMPROVED vaccine that will be available in a matter of weeks and will protect against the mild-cold that is omicron.

I’d point out how absurd this is—a vaccine that can target a specific variant less than four months after it was first identified?—but then I’d just be a tinfoil hat-wearing antivax conspiracy theorist.

Oh wait!

Fine, it’s utterly absurd, am I right?

All of this is mostly my typically long-winded way of saying, perhaps you should think about apologizing to your conspiracy theorist spoiler-alertist friends. You have to admit that so far, our track record is pretty impressive.