Tonight my kids were all fired up talking about all of the fun April Fools pranks their friends at school were bragging about playing on their families. “We want to do that!” they shouted. “It’s so awesome!”

I hate April Fools,” I told them. It’s true. I also hate Halloween and Disney Land and TV and chocolate and cotton candy and honestly, I don’t know why anybody ever let me have kids in the first place because clearly I’m not cut out for this crap.

“Please help us think of a prank! PLEASE!” they begged, so of course I was googling that shit ten minutes later, on account of the guilt I have about hating everything my kids love. The very first thing I discovered in my search is that people are batshit crazy. I am not even making this up.

Here are just a handful of the “super fun kid-friendly pranks” I found:

  1. Put a rubber band around the kitchen sink’s sprayer and wait until someone turns the water on. Hahaha that’s so awesome and also who the hell do you suppose is going to clean that mess up? Or console the whiny kid who’s hair just got soaked (the same kid who freaks out if her part is two millimeters off center)? That would be me, asshole. So thanks for the super fun idea, but no.
  2. Turn up the volume as high as it can go on someone’s computer or radio before they turn it on. Great. Now my kids are orphans because I just had a heart attack. Way to go, Internet.
  3. Put some powder on top of the ceiling fan blades and wait for someone to turn it on! I hate you Internet. Also see #1.
  4. Grab a few pair of your hubby’s or kids’ undies and sew them together. Next time they go to grab a clean pair, they’ll get more than they bargained for! You’re fucking kidding me, right? I have a “sewing pile” in my closet overflowing with shorts that need buttons and skirts that need hemming and straps that need shortening. None of it fits anyone and it’s all out of style because it’s been there since 1997. But I’m going to whip out a needle and thread and sew some fucking chonies together as a joke? Exactly how much crack are you smoking these days, Internet? I’m calling Betty Ford.
  5. If you happen to have a blow-up doll hanging around, dress her up and strap her in the passenger seat of a friend’s car. I can’t even. I just can’t. Internet, you need help.
  6. Put a sheet or two of plastic-wrap over the toilet seat. I don’t know about you, but scrubbing piss off my bathroom floors is just a little slice of heaven in any otherwise ordinary day. When I see (smell) that delicious yellow ring, I dance a happy jig every time. All day long I sit and wonder how I could ever possibly get more of this unique and pungent delight; thanks again Internet! You never let me down.
  7. Put some Vaseline on a few door handles. HAHAHAHAHA NO. See #1, 3, 4 and 6.
  8. Buy some clothes that are several sizes too big for your kids, so that when they put them on they’ll think they shrunk! So this is how rich people do April Fools! Oh, Biff! You’re just too, too much. (Also, Internet? My kids are a tiny bit smarter than this. But keep trying! I applaud your chutzpah!)
  9. If you know someone who loves Oreo cookies, scrape out the white creamy filling and replace it with white toothpaste. Okay, fine. This one isn’t that bad because at least I’d get to eat the filling. Do you think they’ll notice my teeth marks in the chocolate part, though?
  10. Coat a bar of soap with clear nail polish so no suds will form. What a total waste of clear nail polish. Everyone knows kids don’t touch soap.
  11. Make fake “ice” and psyche out your kids with warm beverages. You guys. This is like a full-on craft project involving blocks and tin foil and craft beads and the goddamned oven. So that you can PSYCHE OUT YOUR KIDS WITH A WARM BEVERAGE. Who has this kind of time on their hands? Not the rich people. They’re out shopping for big clothes.
  12. Fill a bowl with Skittles, M&Ms and Reeses Pieces. Now you’re just being an asshole, Internet. Pranks are supposed to be harmless and fun.
  13. Scrape all of the deodorant out of someone’s Speed Stick and replace it with cream cheese. And then the person who was pranked killed everyone else in the house, I hope you’re happy.