So I know you guys probably think I get angry hate mail all the time from people I’ve offended, but I actually don’t. In fact, my first written spanking arrived just this morning. You can imagine how excited I was, right? I mean, if nobody hates you, you’re… nobody. (Think about it: Does anybody actually like Paris Hilton, Octomom or that Gosselin douchebag?)
Anyway, here’s what my new-best-lady-friend Debra had to say:
Please note several things about Debra’s email:
* She called me beautiful. And YOUNG!
* Her email address has the word asylum in it. Hmmmm.
* Debra obviously is a lady as she read my hateful book simply because it was given to her. Ladies ROCK!
And here is what I wanted to write back:
Fuck! I am so fucking sorry that you didn’t like my book. I worked really fucking hard on it, too. But I’m glad you wrote to me, because you’ve inspired me! You see, I really don’t like horror books. Like, at all. I never realized that I could write to, say, Stephen King, and gently explain to him that being able to graphically describe gruesome murder scenes doesn’t make them socially acceptable. (I’ll surely wish him well at the end of my note, of course, because I really want to be a lady like you!) I am also going to write a letter to J. R. R. Tolkein because I’m not too crazy about hobbits either. (I realize he’s dead, but there’s a Tolkein society and I’m confident they will be interested in my opinion.)
Thanks to you, I also looked up the definition of “lady”: A well-mannered and considerate woman with high standards of proper behavior. So now I know that it is perfectly ladylike to tell someone else that they are not a lady. This is good information to have and I assure you that I will make good use of it!
Thank you again for your sincere wishes of luck with my child-raising and writing! I plan to continue to kick fucking ass at both of them.
p.s. “So” only has one o, and it should be “it saddens me” not “its saddens me”. Sorry, but I have very high standards of proper spelling and grammar!
p.p.s. Whatever you do, never ever accidentally stumble across The Bloggess. Seriously, that shit will send you into cardiac fucking arrest.