I have a certain top in five different colors. It’s got a split v-neck and those rolled up sleeves and the hem is slightly longer in the back BUT NOT THAT AWFUL HI-LOW MULLET-HEM BUSINESS and literally, every time I pick one up in a store my kids go, “MOM, NO. YOU ALREADY OWN A MILLION OF THOSE. PUT IT BACK.”

What I’m saying is, that top is me.

This sweater, however, is someone I do not know but I’m pretty sure she goes to church and wears cat-eye glasses and says “fiddlesticks.”    


I bought it at Anthropologie, and it was not on sale. Nor was it inexpensive. In my defense, the fitting rooms in Anthropologie are the devil’s playground. I haven’t figured out exactly how they do it yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s some combination of pale pink lighting and gently tilted mirrors and those delicious $86 candles they burn right in the fitting room foyer. Because no shit, everything you put on your body looks good in those magical little cubes. You could try on a $250 grain sack with tire tracks on it in there and think “Damn! I look like Heidi Klum in this thing!” And then you get it home and you’re all

To be fair, it’s a beautifully made sweater. The buttons have lovely little crystals embedded in them. The crewel or crochet or whatever that stuff around the edges is called may have even been done by hand, possibly by virgin milkmaids. And I hate every last thing about it and therefore it must go.


Seriously, I was tossing and turning in bed last night as usual and I started to do some math, which is never a good thing when you have insomnia. If I had paid $10 for everything I’m ridding myself of this year, that would add up to a wasted $3,650, which is nauseating enough. But let me just point out that you’re not getting a sweater at Anthro for $10, even on super-mega-clearance. So let’s say the average price of my 365 #FashionFails was $50 (it’s more but let’s just go with that); that would add up to more than EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS I HAVE BASICALLY PISSED AWAY and now I feel sick so I really hope you are enjoying this blog.