I do a lot of my shopping online, because unlike the folks at, say, the mall downtown, I’m almost positive that the other Amazon/Ebay/Etsy shoppers don’t really care that I’m half naked and unwashed as I peruse. I think this may be why I wind up with more than my fair share of #FashionFails (well, that and my inability to part with anything, ever).

Take this top. (Please!)

This one does not make the cut. (GET IT?)

In postage-stamp two-dimension, it looked perfect. It had the halter-style cutaway shoulders that flatter linebackers like me and it wasn’t black (another problem I have). When it arrived, at first I thought they’d mistakenly sent a dress, because it was way too long to be a top. I put it on, only to realize–and you’ll need to trust me on this–it was way too short to be a dress. It was just sort of stuck in clothing-category-limbo, and I’m sure most women would have a) returned it, or b) taken it to a seamstress, but not me! Instead of choosing either of those two perfectly rational options, I promptly c) pulled out my fabric scissors and cut the extra eleven-or-so inches of fabric right off.

I did not do a good job at this. Even though I eyeballed it for at least two full seconds before cutting, it’s a solid inch shorter on one side, and officially too short to hem. I’d like to point out that IT STILL HAS THE TAGS ON IT, even though I’m pretty sure they won’t take it back now.

Are we having fun yet?