You know how you literally cannot turn on your phone or scroll through Instagram or even blink without seeing something about the LIMITED EDITION PINK-SUGAR-DUSTED STARBUCKS RAINBOW UNICORN FRAPPUCCINO? (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you might want to check your pulse. And also if you haven’t seen this poor barista freaking out and begging you not to order one, do yourself a favor and watch it and then for god’s sake do not order one.) Well, it’s been a while now, sure, but there was a time when J Brand jeans were the unicorn frap of the fashion world.

“Oh em gee, you don’t have any J Brand?” people gushed. (They did. They gushed.) “They’re. So. Totes. Amaze. They hug in all the right places and they make your butt look insane and they literally flatter everyone and you poop glitter when you wear them!” (They did. They said that.) So naturally because I should be in therapy but I choose to shop instead, I needed to get myself a pair of these insanely flattering butt-hugging wonders of the denim world.

You may or may not be surprised to learn that I did not poop glitter when I wore these jeans. They hugged approximately the exact same way any other pair of jeans with three percent Lycra built into the denim would hug. And my butt? Well, you be the judge (and I apologize if you’ve already had more than enough of that particular body part but it’s sort of my nemesis like I mentioned when I trotted out this motherpucker): 

See how it looks like I’m doing some sort of odd pelvic tuck in this picture?


I blame those gigantic, way-too low pockets. (Google “pocket-placement” and then select “images” if you’re not convinced this makes a difference.) If you need me, I’ll be not drinking unicorn frappuccinos and wearing my hitters.