bag o crap

Um, no thanks. Really.

Dear Parents of Every Child We Know,

Thanks again for inviting us to celebrate the miraculous birth of your child. We are sure we will enjoy the

[please choose] bouncy house/pony rides/hired magician /Wiggles cover band! As the party date draws near, I was wondering if we might make one small request.

You see, we have a not-enormous house that is already being overtaken by dime-store tchochkes. We have baskets and bins overflowing with stickers, spinning tops, silly bands, sticky hands and star-shape sunglasses. Excuse us for being so graphic, but we have kazoos coming out of our wazoos. You’re infinitely kind to worry that we might one day find ourselves in that perilous pickle where we’ve written something we wish to retract, but trust us, we have more erasers around here than the Duggars have diapers. We have enough putty, pinwheels, foam fingers, bouncy balls, bubble blowers, rubber ducks and random neon bendy people to start our own carnival. So while you might feel pressured to present each guest at your upcoming party with a token bag-o-crap parting gift, I just wanted to go on record and say simply: We’re good.

I know, we’re a little old fashioned. We can’t help it! It’s just that we have such fond memories of when we were kids. Back then it was the guests who brought gifts to a party. For doing so, they were rewarded with a few hours of bobbing for apples and the unparalleled delight of watching a lopsided confection of some sort set on fire. We didn’t need goody bags back then; that homemade cake was more than enough! (Disclaimer: I was a lucky guest at one very memorable party where each child was given a small green plastic case that housed a disposable rain bonnet. We got to keep these rain bonnets, too—and it wasn’t even our birthdays. I know. Score!)

I realize you are trying to spare my child the heartache of having to watch your child open all of those fabulous gifts and then go home empty handed. At the risk of pointing out the blazingly obvious: IT’S NOT OUR BIRTHDAY.  (And yes, for the record, we’re also against the whole “everyone gets a trophy” business. Did we win? No? Well then we don’t need a commemorative plastic statue to prove we showed up.) 

We’re sort of hoping you will start a new trend this year and send our kids home from the festivities with nothing but a sugar high and a smile. We promise to return the favor next spring.