When I was a kid and summer rolled around, my parents’ “plans” for me could be summed up in one concise sentence: “Go outside and play.”
But because I’m a failure as a mother and my kids would drive me to drink (more) and I’d get no work done at all and we’d wind up on food stamps if I tried that, instead I spend weeks crafting elaborate schedules and forking over thousands (yes thousands) of dollars so that my children can be enriched, entertained and out of my flipping hair for that endless stretch of heat and humidity.
The options are mind-boggling. There’s sculpting, swimming, surfing, sailing, science; art, gardening, gift making, gymnastics, Junior Guards, Jiujitsu; soccer, swimming, tumbling, fencing, Irish effing dancing. As much as I’d like my kids to be well-rounded and culturally-enriched, I have to wonder: Where are the programs that might benefit me? I love a macaroni necklace as much as the next mom, but honestly.
Then I figured out the answer. I’m calling it Fantasy Camp. The brochure is below. I’m giving the idea FREE to the first person who is ready to turn my dream into a reality; all I ask is that you guarantee me two spots.
FANTASY CAMP OPTIONS INCLUDE:
Yes, Mom During this week-long intensive camp, your child will learn that these aren’t two random words; they’re the ONLY TWO WORDS IN THE UNIVERSE YOU WANT TO HEAR when you ask them to do something. Children will be fined for using phrases such as “in a minute” or “but I set the table last night” or “ugh, whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” during camp hours. For obvious reasons, Yes, Mom is one of our most popular camps, so sign up early!
CAMP NOTES: Healthy snacks will be provided. Kids who bitch about them will be sent next door to Shut Up and Eat It.
Shut Up and Eat It It’s a long and grueling week for sure, but by the end of it, your child will be returned to you with a new-found appreciation for all that goes into putting that godforsaken meal on the table. They will understand that you made the miserable grocery list. You spent thirty minutes circling the wretched parking lot at the grocery store trying to get a spot. You traipsed all over that nightmare of a place hunting all of that crap down. Then you forked over your hard-earned money for it, brought it home, assembled it in a colorful, balanced fashion on a plate and placed it in front of them. Camp motto: “It’s hot, it’s here, somebody else made it and other people think it tastes good, so Shut Up and Eat It.”
CAMP NOTES: Our sister camp, Don’t You Roll Your Eyes at Me, is a suggested prerequisite.
Don’t You Roll Your Eyes at Me This interactive, hands-on camp teaches your child the basics and importance of nonverbal communication. An extended day option will cover hands-on-hips, muttering-under-the-breath, door-slamming, exaggerated sighing and stomping up and down stairs.
CAMP NOTES: We reserve the right to reassign any campers not making progress by mid-week to Yes, Mom.
Bathroom Skills 101 This camp includes but is not limited to: changing the empty toilet paper roll (it’s not that hard! we promise!); rinsing toothpaste out of the sink before it petrifies there and has to be removed with a chisel; the purpose and proper use of a bath mat; how to floss teeth without turning the mirror into an ode to Jackson Pollock; and last but certainly not least, flushing the godforsaken toilet.
CAMP NOTES: Due to the scope of material covered, this is a two-week camp. We offer a 10% discount for any campers simultaneously enrolled in Yes, Mom and Don’t You Roll Your Eyes at Me.