I have a large section of a giant shelf in my Willy Wonka closet dedicated to workout wear. Still you won’t be surprised when I tell you that (much like in the non-exercise parts of my life) I wear the same four things over and over, day after day, week after week. In fact, one of the fab four is a pair of pink Lululemon crops that have been so well loved that they now have giant holes all around the edges to prove it*.


DO NOT ZOOM IN. (You totally zoomed in, didn’t you?)

If you’re anything at all like my kids, you just went “Well good, because those are fucking hideous!” But the truth is, I actually like the material and the pattern. I even like the not-quite-crop, not-quite-capri length. They just don’t fit right. You can’t really tell from the photo (and don’t go zooming in there or things will get super awkward), but the crotch isn’t anywhere near where it feels like it should be. And if I hike the waistband up, then the top of it will TOUCH MY BELLYBUTTON which cannot happen ever because I have bellybutton issues.

(Quasi-related: I also have neck issues–like you really, truly can’t touch mine especially in the front and I can’t wear choker necklaces or turtlenecks and when they try to put that cape on me at the hair salon I completely freak out because obviously I was strangled to death in a past lifeand my fourteen year old daughter ALSO HAS BELLYBUTTON AND NECK ISSUES. How weird are genetics?)

Anyway these are the ratty, nasty things I choose to wear instead of the saggy-crotch-capri-crops above, so obviously I have issues that go far beyond bellybuttons and necks.

Do not even DARE suggest that I get rid of these because the answer is no.

If nothing else, I hope this post makes you feel better about your own messed-up body part neuroses.

You’re welcome.


*I know Lululemon will take them back no questions asked and replace them with a brand new pair for all of ever, but then I would have to relinquish them and THAT IS NOT HAPPENING, can you see why we’re here?