A friend once mentioned she was cleaning out her closet. “Save anything good for me!” I begged, because obviously. Two days later she dropped a giant bag of clothes off on my doorstep. These jeans were in there.

Pocket full of… kryptonite?

I can’t even hazard a guess as to what she kept in BOTH FRONT POCKETS EVERY TIME SHE WORE THEM to make those twin faded rectangles (two giant wallets? a pair of Kindles? a couple of Harry Potter books? matching slabs of kryptonite?). Also she’s the exact same height as me but she does have two little dogs so maybe that explains these hems?

Even though I have never worn these jeans out of my house, for some weird reason I feel guilty giving them away. Like what if one day she says “Hey, you don’t still have those Citizens of Humanity jeans with the mutilated hems and the bizarre pocket marks on the front, do you?” and I have to admit that I got rid of them?

I blame being the middle child for this, incidentally. If you’re a therapist, call me!