If you have kids, you know how dangerous the annual school auction is. One minute, you’re at the bar in your Madonna outfit doing whiskey shots and nibbling on a stranger’s abandoned plate of soggy stuffed mushroom caps; the next minute you’re waving your paddle in the air, trying desperately to “win” three nights in someone’s mountain cabin for a couple thousand bucks shut up IT’S FOR THE KIDS.

(We loved that little cabin trip by the way, even though I wouldn’t even speak to my husband the day after the auction for “winning” that on our behalf when I could have gotten the laser hair removal-plus-botox package for half that price. #ItsForTheKids)

Anyway, it’s not just the live auction that’ll kill you. We’ve stumbled walked out of those things carrying mysterious-to-us clay cooking pots and buckets-brimming-with-gardening-gear I DO NOT GARDEN and once, a limited edition Tony Hawk skateboard deck–yes, just the part you stand on–signed by The Birdman himself.

Fine, the Hawk deck was the friends we double-dated with. You should have heard the epic fight they had in the cab on the way home.

Her: “Five hundred bucks and it didn’t even come with the wheels???”
Him: “Well it’s not like we’re going to skate on it or anything.”
Her: “Then what the fuck are we going to do with it?”
Him: “Hang it on the wall!”

Anyway, all things considered, the giant Michael Stars gift basket wasn’t the worst purchase I’ve ever made #ForTheKids. There were a couple of tank tops and periwinkle henley and a black wrap cardigan and several really cute cosmetic bags in there, all of which have gotten lots of love over the years. And then there was this tee, which has never seen the light of day.

I feel like a big boob.

I love the color and that’s about it. The short-long (SHLONG!) sleeve length is just weird, and why-oh-why are you putting a hood on a shlong-sleeve tee, Michael? I don’t understand you at all. Also I have far-from-gigantic boobs, but for some reason I feel like Christina Hendricks in this thing

Tell me: What was your best/worst purchase #ForTheKids? I know you’ve got some doozies, too.